I don't do it on purpose, I don't do it for fun.
My depressions are just battles in a war that can't be won.
I really try to control myself and be happy instead of blue
But, nothing that I've tried has worked, there's nothing left to do.
Sometimes I wish I could just start to shrink and disappear.
And, then, there are the times when a single day seems like a year.
I know I'm here for help, but nothing has changed in me.
All I really want to do is to tell them to let me be.
I feel a monster growing in me,
I feel its heart grow strong.
Its waiting for me to make a slip,
waiting for me to do some wrong
When I feel myself losing control,
It awakens and prepares to fight.
It fights with me for control,
control over my very life.
I'm so terribly afraid one day it will win,
one day I'll lose it all.
My control will be gone forever more,
the monster in me will control it all.
First I'm uplifted, then I'm drowning. Confusion surrounds me like fog.
I thought I knew everything, now I know I really know nothing at all.
I only know a little, a percentage of the whole.
How am I to learn it all when I'm not even told?
It's dropped like a bomb into my lap, and in panic I want to toss it away.
But something makes me hold it, tells me it must stay.
I don't understand, but I do what I'm told
And slowly, haltingly, the stories unfold.
There is a lot I don't know, many missing pieces.
Am I truly ready to have those holes filled in?
Do I know myself as well as I thought, or am I a stranger in disguise?
These day I know nothing, and care to know not,
But, I'm learning that some things have to be known,
Whether I want to know or not.
Confusion is a welcome stranger, shielding the pain I know is near.
Why else would I feel such a strong amount of fear?